DOTW

The DOTW award this week goes to the brilliant scientists who want us, humans that is, to extend “rights” and person-hood to dolphins.  They being so smart and all.  Never mind the fact that they are telepathic, can see in multiple dimensions and may ultimately help us communicate with aliens.  All true – it’s on the internet after all.  So it must be true.

So, we understand that as a measure of good will, the dolphins may actually recognize us first! 

“akkakkkakakkakkkka akakkaakkkakakakkkaaaaaaakkkk eeeeeeee” –  transcript from the dolphin great leader’s address.  Translated it means “we shit in the same water we swim in, but don’t judge us.”

Seriously, they live in water, yet they breathe air, how dumb is that?  If they’re so smart, how do they keep getting caught in nets all the time?  You’d think they’d figure out a way to stop that from happening by now.  I expect them to declare war on Japan any day now; after all they eat dolphin meat in schools in Japan.

We would like some dolphin rights… Like the right to treatment at dolphin hospitals after we get attacked by a shark.  Oh wait.  They don’t have dolphin hospitals. 

And we have a question – what about the porpoises?  Are they a different race or what?  What about recognizing their rights?  Or are porpoises like the Palestinians of the dolphin world – related, but the dolphins look down on them, won’t give them citizenship.  But they’ll support their terrorist campaign against the orca overlords.  How about belugas or those weirdo manatees?

Where does this end?  It doesn’t, and that’s the problem.  Congrats stupid scientists for diminishing the idea of true rights and personhood (want to place bets they’re all for dolphins but would never be in favour of extending the idea of personhood to a human fetus?) for the DOTW award this week.

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